Trigger Warning: Faith Transition, Post-Mormon, Spiritual Wounding, Cult Oppression
I was born in a bubble. And though it was a magical bubble, it was a bubble nonetheless, designed to keep The Saints in and The World out. The very center of the bubble where its effects are felt most powerfully is right in the very unusual place of my birth - Provo, Utah. Pushed against massive mountain peaks by an expanse of great salty desert, this land, the home of the Ute Nation, is a challenging expanse.
My own ancestors at least 5 generations back crossed seas, plains, and mountains seeking spiritual freedom, breaking from their own families’ religious traditions and leaving ancestral lands to join the young and innovative Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - The Mormons. Practicing polygamy, occult ritualism, and communism while forbidding coffee, alcohol, and tobacco, this group stood out at the time. Many were ostracized. And so the Saints set out West. They fought and killed many people of the Ute nation and took the Ute land to build their great and spacious temples dedicated to God, and began to fortify The Bubble of illusion over the land - To keep the Saints in and the World out.
So I was born under the bubble, fourth of five children, to goodly parents who love the Lord. Every week we attended church and meetings and extra meetings. Where they told us how to pray and what to wear and how to love, which was right and who was wrong for most every occasion and circumstance. But designed for industry and order, the indoctrination left little room for creative expression of spirit and soul. The boxes and platforms were predesigned for obedience and consistency with little regard for the fact many will die trying to fit a mold which was not made for them. Spirits dying long before bodies, their hosts too wrapped up in “The Afterlife” to notice. Bodies dying long before their time, their hosts not seeing another way out of The Bubble where there was no place for them.
See, I knew from a young age that I was one that didn’t fit into the boxes or onto the platforms of the Mormon Bubble - perhaps no one does but some pass more easily. But a combination of rebellious defiance, acute questioning, and thirst for eternal exploration left me feeling unsatisfied in a system written and created 175 years ago by a man of misaligned moral judgement. Fueled by adolescent hormones, a deep thirst to experience all the world had to offer, and the anger at having been oppressed and shamed for my very humanity, I began to fight my way out of the Mormon bubble at 16 years old.
As far as I knew I was the first in my family for generations, maybe ever, to leave the church. I might have had a couple of cousins who danced with rebellion - drinking alcohol or having sex outside of marriage, but too scared of what dad, grandpa, or mom would say to make an exodus. So, totally naive, having no guide, example, or guardian on the path I stepped out of the Bubble and into the World. I left behind God, Jesus Christ, prophets, heaven, hell, community, faith, and friends. While old friends were settling into missions, marriages, and parenthood, I began seeking God without really knowing what to look for. Back in The Bubble they can only tell half-truths about God because they will only look at half of the picture. They say God is man, God is white, God is light. Their prophets have forgotten that FIRST God is woman, God is black, God is dark. His light merely illuminates Her own sovereign magic.
So I searched yoga, meditation, and breath. I searched crowded bars with rainbow lights, mysterious white powders on the tips of keys, and the beds of near-strangers. I searched
Buddhism, Hinduism, and Quantum Physics. I searched high mountains, red deserts, and misty forests on rocky coasts. I searched in loving partnerships, pilgrimage to distant lands, and lofty perches high over the city. I searched in science and academia. I searched conscious living communities, spiritual retreats, and farms.
I searched mushrooms, plant medicine ceremonies, ancient lineages of spiritual healers, and the ever-expanding portals of expanded states of consciousness. I met magicians, oracles, faeries, dragons, and faith healers.
In each of these places I found God. Though I didn’t always recognize it at first. In these places I experienced growth, learning, expansion, and love. I also witnessed my own doubt, fear, rejection, and heartache. But I took an explorative, expansive spirit with me and so I found God everywhere I went - proving what I had always suspected, that my own experience of God could not be defined or contained within the bounds of man-made theology. In this process I achieved Exaltation.
In LDS (Mormon) doctrine, Exaltation is a promotion to a God-like status and ability said to be given to those Saints who are totally obedient. Taught to be highly conditional, even if it was given directly by God to a person who felt unworthy in any way, they would not receive the gift. This reminded me that Exaltation is a matter of personal agency and sovereignty. In living our human lives and telling our stories we are the creators of our own worlds, planets, and universes. No two exactly alike. Consciously or unconsciously, with purpose or without, the gift of life continues to manifest from minds to matter. Until it ceases. It was always inside of me, just as it’s inside of you. The silent observer of loving awareness.
In the Mormon Bubble they make it so complicated - through gates and behind heavy wooden doors and in the name of Jesus Christ they told us we must pass to commune with God, creating a separation of God from The Sacred Self, in our magical human glory. Divine Beings born into a cloud of forgetful smog which causes many to forget that this is the gift. This life is the one where we create worlds of our own and transcend space and time manifesting miracles from out of space, loving family and friends and the gift of life. I’ll show you how I’ve done it. And together we can learn how you do it.
If you are experiencing faith transition reach out to connect with me by scheduling a discovery call through my booking page.
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